Lucas Oil Presents MavTV’s The Works

Results may vary, comrade.

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Forget those advice columnists who tell you everything is a man’s fault! “Manny” shoots straight from the hip, with the kind of advice your best bro would give you. Send your questions HERE.

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Hey Manny,

I was thinking about getting one of those hot Russian brides that we all get e-mails about. What do you think?

Signed Looking for a Красивая женщина

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Hey Whatever those letters mean,

If you don’t have a lot of confidence in your ability to snag a babe here or you are tired of trying, sure, why not? But I would advise you to use some common sense and be very careful.

First of all, you want to deal with the most reputable business you can find so you don’t deal with scam artists who’ll steal your Rubles and then leave you hanging dry (or sell you a bill of goods on what amounts to a chick they grabbed off the street and sold into human slavery). Unless you plan to keep your bride under lock and key (which I’m pretty sure is illegal), she’ll just raid your wallet and jump on the next plane back to Russia, unless of course home is a ghetto slum full of human vicious monsters like the place in “Hostel.” By that standard, McDonalds is probably a luxurious dinner out for her.

I say there might be something to this Russian bride stuff just because I’ve seen it work in an all-around best-case scenario situation. I met Marina in North Florida about 10 years ago — thin, beautiful, sensual, good housekeeper. She maried a guy named Frank who was one of those Internet start-up guys. She was doing a good bit of modeling and actually ended up posing for Playboy. Yes, she is that hot. Today, still gorgeous, still married to Frank, selling real estate and doing quite well. See? Best case scenario for both of them, but I’m sure the results vary from person to person.

Your buddies are all going to be giving you a hard time about buying a woman off the Internet if you go through with it, just like we gave Frank a good ribbing (all the while seething with envy).

“Historically, the Russian dating industry has been plagued with marriage agencies looking to make money from deceiving lonely men. A simple bait and switch: They show you a sexy photo of Natasha, but then you get an email written by Boris. For years, this is how people got duped,” said Gregory Pearson, president of Romantic Tours, Inc., which operates HotRussianBrides.com.

I can’t personally vouch for them because I got my wife the old-fashioned way (I picked her up at the dog pound — no, she worked there!), but Pearson’s company at least offers tools for communicating in advance with women you might “date” across the globe, anti-scam validation and customer service people. Their women are referred to as “web hostesses” rather than brides necessarily.

It’s important to ask yourself what’s in it for these chicks. Are they sincerely looking for love or just money and a green card? You don’t want to position yourself to get divorced while your frisky foreigner, now a legal resident, spends half your money with some young American boy toy.

You have to remember Frank’s a decent, handsome, well-off guy with a nice car/house who could probably snag any woman in his city. If you’re a douche or cruel (and I doubt that if you’re cool enough to watch MavTV), it might not turn out as well. You would definitely want to be a compassionate husband and behave in ways less likely to cause the “CSI” writers to draft an episode based on the circumstances of your murder.

I definitely recommend every guy date a Ukranian girl if he gets an opportunity; I’ve never seen an ugly girl from the Ukraine. I’m sure guys who do this ask a lot of questions before giving their credit card numbers. You may want to do this because you are frustrated with the local meat market and the bar scene, but at least with the girl next door, you can have time to sufficiently screen whether she’s a psycho before you commit. Then again, whoever said any of us behave like our true uncensored selves while dating?

I think a lot of guys fantasize about hooking up with some exotic Bond Babe from time to time. So be careful but good luck to you, bro, if you are in the market for your own Ivana Humpalot. Don’t buy into stereotypes, though. I had a buddy who married one of those “submissive” Asian girls from Thailand and later told me he was afraid because she was bossy and threatened to cut off his penis. Buyer beware, regardless of whether it’s a cash transaction or your run-of-the-mill traditional American courtship.

A few weeks ago, “Saturday Night Live” had a skit where Megan Fox played a gorgeous Russian bride. The American dude had a choice between her and one of the uglier male cast players dressed as a hideous woman. The buyer was torn because while Megan was perfection in every way, the other “bride” was $5.00 cheaper!

Lesson: Be prepared to spend even more than you spent that drunken night at the strip club if you want a top-shelf selection. Be prepared for your new bride to send some of your cash back to her family in Russia, so perhaps you can give her a reasonable allowance or low-limit credit card for shopping if she’s going to be one of those traditional stay-at-home types. She can get her own job and income if she wants to join the American rat race.

Maybe you can qualify for a deep discount if you have high level security clearance with the US government and are fond of bringing your work home with you on your laptop.

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